Show Notes

Listeners’ Letter

Dear food,

Ever since I can remember, I was an insecure child who struggled with her body image. I wasn’t even a heavy child, just so embarrassed of my body. Additionally, I was exposed to diet culture early on as the women in my family, especially my mother, become so invested in the restrictions of a diet that it’s all they can talk about, ultimately crashing and burning later on. I adopted the idea that the Atkins diet was the cure, it had to be with the way my family sang its praises… even though it really never changed the way they looked.

In high school I struggled with a binging and purging disorder. No, actually, I still wrestle the thoughts all the time and every now and again I give in, which in the moment feels like a terrible itch I finally got to scratch. Food is comfort for me. Doesn’t matter if I’m stressed, tired, or happy… I want to eat! I love to eat, and large amounts in a single sitting too, though I prefer the meal to be of quality ingredients and not something like fast food. Not that my relationship with food is of much quality in itself.

Fast forward to 2018. I’m given some concerning news about an abnormal pap smear and the doctor wants to perform a procedure to help eliminate these bad cells… only I wasn’t having it. I decided I wanted to follow a keto diet and heal myself naturally. Well… it actually worked. And even better, I lost Xlbs while doing it. Over time I started slacking, eventually gaining it all back. Since then, I’ve been chasing the dream that I could lose those Xlbs on keto again, but it’s just not the same. I have very little success, especially with the pandemic changing so many physical requirements I once had. I still try, still cheat, try again… try to change my focus to health like the old days, but I lost sight of what that was. Was it the giant salads for lunch? Or those bone broth only lunches? Was it macro tracking, or the 10+ different supplements I took every day? Who knows now.

I’m now 16 weeks postpartum, delivered via c-section. My confidence is shot. I try to appear like it’s not, but my partner can see right through me. I’m also breastfeeding and already decreased my milk supply once, so anything else makes me terrified. My remedy for that is just to eat whatever I want whenever I want, and that’s not good.

I just want to be in control of myself when it comes to using food for comfort. I’m so tired of thinking about diets, it’s exhausting. I want a snack just thinking about it, and I wish it was a joke, but it isn’t.

Love,

Still Struggling