Ever wonder where we got the idea we had to be smaller than our partner?
I certainly have. It’s been ingrained in us at every turn, and guess where it’s rooted? You guessed it! The patriarchy. When you imagine what a typically beautiful couple looks like, what do you see? Is one partner taller than the other? Are they both in smaller bodies? What race are they? If you are listening and you are not in a relationship, think about your friends or relationships with others in place of the word partner. As a short fat woman in a relationship with a tall, brawny man, I have had to train myself to address my own discomfort with being larger than my partner. The trouble really came when I started looking at pictures of us together. I would nitpick every single thing I didn’t like about the picture, completely forgetting the joy of the moment we shared together when we snapped the shot. I was doing myself such a disservice by looking at every photo, focusing on my size and flaws instead of fully embracing and receiving the love he was sharing with me. Both of our bodies have changed since we first met back in 2017, which is completely normal. We’ve been together for five years, so in today’s segment of Diet Culture IRL, I want to talk about a few things that helped me grapple with weighing more than my partner.
I think the best place to start is defining your own self-worth without anyone else in the mix. As a two on the enneagram, this is difficult. This is a difficult one for me because my core fear is being unloved or unworthy of love. So I’ve had to do loads of self-work to get to a place where I know I am worthy without the approval or validation of others.
I used to tell myself a lie: I don’t deserve love because of the size of my body. I have worked so hard to remind myself that I am worthy of receiving love over and over again. This is not an overnight journey. And let me tell you, it’s messy and so very challenging. For me, the journey started with the scale. The number on the scale is exactly that: a number. On a piece of digital equipment, which is showing my numerical relationship to gravity. It’s not an indication of your worth, nor is it a reflection of how much love you deserve. Now, if you’re someone who’s saying to themselves as they listen, yeah, but my partner says “if my body changes, they will no longer be attracted to me,” your feelings are valid too. And let’s unpack that a little.
I want to tell you your partner’s attraction to you is 100% not your responsibility. There are so many other things about you that are special, including your body. Your partner was raised in the same fatphobic world we were raised in. While it may make sense that this is their belief, it doesn’t make their thoughts right, and it doesn’t deem your body wrong. Your body does not need to change, your partner’s beliefs do. There is no right “size” ratio in a relationship. Oftentimes, marginalized groups are told not to take up too much space, especially physically.
Think about times you have seen fat folks depicted in the media. I will say usually in heteronormative relationships. How is the fat person cast in chosen movies? I’ll give you a few examples: think of Bridget Jones after she gets dumped. The movie Shallow Hal. And my personal first introduction to a fat suit, Monica on Friends. Usually, fat people are depicted as the funny fat friend butt of a joke, evil, lazy, or unintelligent. These degrading stereotypes have no basis in reality, and yet sadly they influence the way we think about fat people and fat people in relationships. Comparing ourselves to others has never been a helpful practice, whether it’s in mind or body. We are naturally different from every person, and that’s something to celebrate. Remember the love you share between you and your partner is something so special, and your respective body sizes really should not matter.
For the next part, I’m going to put a small disclaimer for explicit content, because we’re going to talk a bit about sex. It’s complete bullshit that larger and smaller-bodied people are incapable of having passionate, fantastic, excellent consensual sex with one another. With it being the day after Valentine’s day [at the time of this recording], I just want to remind you that body diversity has no impact on how great one’s intimate life can be, except when I, myself, let my insecurities about my body invade the space between us and our relationship. No shocker here, but the journey starts within ourselves.
This segment was written and recorded by Coleen Bremner. Listen to episode 276 of Find Your Food Voice for more.
