Dear Food,

Wow, where to begin. I guess would be first telling the story of how you’ve been such a huge part of my life. My first memory of you taking over my head was when I was 9, wanting desperately for my prepubescent body to be flat like my friends, restricting my food because I thought that would make me better, but then bingeing on sleeves of cookies before school and flushing down the evidence so my parents wouldn’t see. And thus, what feels like a lifetime of disordered eating began. Restricting, binging, purging, I’ve tried it all, from the age of 9-22. And food, I gotta tell ya, I love you just as much as I hate you. I mean, you taste damn good! But I am obsessed with thinking of you, and how you affect my body and my mind. Now, everyday I work so hard to eat a balanced three meals, let myself indulge here and again all while you’re constantly on my mind. Add in a diagnosis of PCOS and a constant weight gain even though i eat healthier than pretty much anyone i know? This is hard. Something else that is hard- communicating all of this to my partner. My incredibly loving and supportive partner. The smallest phrase of “wow you ate that fast!” Or “I need a salad tomorrow after the pizza we ate today” can throw me off the handle. The shame placement on you, food, means so little to others but so much to me. The diagnosis of PCOS makes me feel so out of control of my body that i have to work everyday to like (notice I didn’t say love.) his offering of help sometimes feel like an intrusion on my own efforts. How do I keep my ED recovery strong, my nutrition as a top priority without grieving my PCOS diagnosis and symptoms, my ability to eat a huge juicy burger, and communicate all of this funk to my partner without making him feel like he’s harming me. It feels like it’s all just too much. My eating disorder history is mine, not his… but how can he best support me through this? Oh and food – did I mention that I hate and love you?

Sincerely,

Craving Partner Support