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Julie Duffy Dillon (00:00)

Hey there, welcome to episode 418 of the Find Your Food Voice podcast. Today we are talking about body changes in relationship. Let’s get to it. Hey there, dear voice finder. I am Julie Duffy Dillon, registered dietitian and your host of the Find Your Food Voice podcast. I am really excited for you to hear this episode today. This is a team episode where Coleen Bremner and Rachel Popik two people who have been working with me for the past three or four years behind the scenes in the podcast and in the PCOS Power membership. We like to get together and talk about something that we notice in real life that is basically presenting us diet culture on a silver platter. And today we are talking about specifically body changes in relationship. So this topic appeared after Coleen overheard someone talking about gaining weight while in relationship and they referred to it as love chub. So this connected her to a blog post demonizing weight gain in relationship. She shared it with us. Rachel and I were appalled and we were like, okay, this is quite a pitch for a podcast episode. Yes, we are going to talk about it. So this is an episode where we share personal experiences in our body while in new and seasoned relationships, as well as ways we are flipping the script on this diet culture message. I encourage you, I know life is busy, but try to stay until the last five minutes of the conversation because you will hear a real life experience that brought Rachel and I to tears. it’s a really special moment and I was so glad that Coleen was willing to share it with us and share it with you. Before we get to the conversation, remember the Find Your Food Voice book is out now, anywhere books are sold. And if you are reading it as a part of your book club, I would love to be a part of it. I am happy to join you over Zoom or if you live within driving distance of central North Carolina, let’s make it happen so I can join you in person. I’m happy to do this for free, by the way. I love talking about the Find Your Food Voice book and would love to hear about your experiences as you’re working through it. And also, There is a book club guide if you are wanting more ways to enhance your discussion. I’m building it currently over on Substack. So you can get to it by subscribing to my Substack. It’s ⁓ findyourfoodvoice.substack.com is the place to get to it. So subscribe to that, subscribe to the show so you can continue to add more tools to your life to help you with your messy, complicated relationship with food. And in particular, if you are wanting to add PCOS and intuitive eating into this conversation, that’s what I’m doing over on Substack is I’m really diving deeper into that topic in particular. Okay, so enough of all that. We are gonna take a pause now for a quick sponsor break and then get to our conversation about love chub and body changes in relationships.

Julie Duffy Dillon (03:11)

Hey everybody, how’s it going?

Rachel (03:13)

Hello!

Coleen (she/her) (03:13)

Hey!

Julie Duffy Dillon (03:15)

Long time no see, it’s good to see you.

Coleen (she/her) (03:17)

Yes, good to be here.

Julie Duffy Dillon (03:19)

I am so excited about this episode. Like looking at our Google Doc, it’s making me, yeah, very excited to unpack this. So Coleen, I’m excited that you brought this topic for this discussion, because it’s going to be fucking fantastic. Always. On a silver platter, always. Before we do it though, because this is going to be meaty, I thought it’d be good to start with some grounding and part of

Coleen (she/her) (03:34)

The universe provides, as we always say. Yes.

Julie Duffy Dillon (03:48)

grounding techniques that I talk about in the Find Your Food Voice book is using the acronym, CHIP, which is check-in props. And I thought we could talk about this. And if you’re wondering what CHIPs are, you know, this technique that I teach in the book in chapter five, the pivot chapter, that helps people just to like help the mind-body connection reconnect so you can find ways to rely on your body and. Ground yourself more often, which is so great when you’re trying to reclaim your relationship with food. So I thought we could do that at the beginning before we get into this messy, messy topic. So how are you all doing chips and dip? That’s the official title of this exercise, by the way. It’s not just chips, it’s chips and dip.

Coleen (she/her) (04:31)

Well, I love that we’re starting the meat of our conversation with an appetizer. That feels right. So, um.

Julie Duffy Dillon (04:35)

Ooh! I love a food pun.

Coleen (she/her) (04:40)

Yeah, I think that recently with some things going on in my life, I’ve really been thinking about how I’m going to engage in conversation around certain things. So that’s how I’m grounding myself, just really deciding which conversations I want to be engaged in and what conversations aren’t meant for me to protect my piece. And I recognize that as a very privileged place to speak from because I know not everyone has the ability to do that. I think when we do have the ability to take a pause and take a step back to protect ourselves, it can be really impactful.

Julie Duffy Dillon (05:18)

That is super impactful. Yeah, whenever you have the option to put a boundary. Yes. I hope it helps. Yes. How about you, Rachel?

Rachel (05:24)

We love some boundaries. I think for me, I have been feeling very like hectic and work work is picking up, which is great in some ways, but it’s a new balance that I’m finding. And I kind of committed myself to having a regular weightlifting practice again. It’s something I’ve like come in and out of throughout my life. And I always feel so much better when I do. And I feel like if I haven’t done any sort of strength work in a while and then I start again. It’s one of those things that like you can kind of see the strength build pretty quickly. And I love just like feeling strong and sturdy in my body. That’s like make me feel really good.

Julie Duffy Dillon (06:01)

Mmm. Yeah, yeah, it does feel like amazing when you’re like, I can lift this myself, especially as a single woman. like, I don’t need anyone to help me lift this thing.

Rachel (06:13)

Yeah. I know. I know, it really solidifies the independent part of me. I don’t need anyone, I can lift these heavy things by myself.

Coleen (she/her) (06:19)

Yes.

Julie Duffy Dillon (06:23)

Mmm. Or I also have a group of women that are like my neighbors. I’ll text them if I need some help with lifting. But like, we don’t need a man to do this. No, yes, I love it. There was a time where I was more into weightlifting and I go through seasons with it. And yeah, just felt, yeah, I felt bad ass. So yeah, I’m still bad ass without being able to lift as much, but it’s just a different kind of bad ass.

Rachel (06:31)

Absolutely. And I also think, I also think coming from a place where like for most of my life, I was trying to be smaller, having my like movement practice be one of being like stronger and bulkier and sturdier. Like there’s something really bad ass about that.

Julie Duffy Dillon (06:58)

Mmm. Yes, that is, I love that so much. Oh my, well, I feel like I need a drum roll, please.

Julie Duffy Dillon (07:20)

just signed up to go back to therapy. It’s been, let’s see, it’s been three years since I’ve done individual like weekly therapy. yeah, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling so much more anxious in this year of 2025. And so I was like, you know what? I don’t need to struggle alone. can revisit some, you know, getting some help on this.

Coleen (she/her) (07:22)

We love therapy.

Julie Duffy Dillon (07:45)

And yeah, I think tomorrow’s my fourth session. I’ve already like, I can tell that I’m like in the space of like, it’s getting worse before it gets better. But I’m like, I know it’s gonna be better. So so yeah, and then having the weekly again, because there was times where I did it more spaced out, it feels really like a nice rhythm that has like a nice grounding to it. So so yes, I know, I do too. I love it.

Rachel (08:09)

Yay, we love therapy.

Julie Duffy Dillon (08:13)

All right, let’s get to the meat. We just finished our appetizer. Let’s get to it.

Coleen (she/her) (08:16)

So yeah, I brought this up to the group a while back because something came up in this setting and I felt like it was something we could really dive into and unpack. So I thought I would start and kind of lay the groundwork for us. But essentially, I was a part of this discussion where people were giving advice to this couple getting ready to get married. And someone in the group said out loud, watch out for love chub. And I had never heard this before. I was like, what is that? And come to find out after kind of reaching out about that, because I didn’t realize. It’s essentially similar to the freshman 15, if you’ve ever heard of that. So this idea of gaining weight, essentially, or your body changing when different life events happen. So maybe freshman 15, it’s you’re moving out of your parents’ house or You you kind of have a little more independence. So you’re choosing what foods you’re eating and you have a little more maybe freedom over what types of food you’re taking in. And therefore, like your body may be changing or in this situation, like you are potentially in a new relationship. I don’t think it even has to be marriage. Like it could be anything that is like, you know, you’re you’re in a different situation and therefore your body is changing. So. I would love to hear what your opinions are about Love Chubb. yeah, let me know. I know maybe some of you were familiar with this already, but maybe, Rachel, I know you weren’t. So Rachel, do you want to go next?

Rachel (10:10)

Yeah, I have so many thoughts. I had not heard of love chub before you brought it up. And my initial thought was just like this anger and frustration over the idea of it. It very much feels like, oh, you’re happy. So you can like, quote unquote, let yourself go. And that’s a bad thing. And So like that was my initial thought. And then Coleen, you sent this article from, I think it was quite a few years ago, and we’ll put it in the show notes. But I was reading through the article and just got like more and more mad. And there was a quote from it that I want to read and bash. It said, couples bond over food and enjoying it becomes a special ritual in their relationship. Which like you read that on the surface and I’m like, as a chef, yeah. Like I love to bond over food with my loved ones, whether it be like my husband or friends and yeah, cooking and sharing food should be a special ritual. It, it, it, bonds people, but then it goes on to be like, this is bad. And this means that you’re going to gain weight and you’re going to start making quote unquote, unsmart food decisions. And like, bashed this thing that I find so fundamentally important in relationship building, which is like cooking and eating and sharing food. So like on that level, mad. Then it goes on to be like, you know, well, a way to combat this is to automatically just serve yourself. like a putting it as the woman is the one who is serving the man, serve yourself a third of what he’s eating. So like, you know, that way you won’t gain so much weight, which totally, you know, we all talk about it, like, totally negates any ability to eat intuitively. Like, sometimes I eat a lot more than my husband, and sometimes he eats a lot more than me, and that’s totally okay. And then my third rant, and then I’ll be done, is the article said, research shows that what’s good for your heart may be bad for your hips. A study published last year in the journal, Biopsychosocial Medicine, found that happy people were less likely to succeed at losing weight than those with a slightly negative and cautious outlook. So literally it’s saying like, well, It’s the most important to be skinny, so you can’t be happy because you have to be crabby and miserable in order to lose weight. And that’s more important than anything else is being skinny. So with that rant, I will turn it over to Julie.

Julie Duffy Dillon (12:57)

That is so fucking messed up. We’re supposed to be dismissal all the time. That’s like basically the instructions. How dare you? Yes. Yes.

Rachel (13:02)

Yeah.

Coleen (she/her) (13:07)

Isn’t there like a quote from the 90s or something or early 2000s like skinny never like something about skinny never like felt so good or like, I can’t remember it but nothing. Yes, something like that, which.

Julie Duffy Dillon (13:18)

Nothing feels as good as skinny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rachel (13:20)

Yeah, Nothing feels as good as skinny tastes or something.

Julie Duffy Dillon (13:25)

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Yes, we got to it. Back in my old dusty Rolodex, my diet culture archives. Yes. I mean, that’s basically just, they’re kicking in the same can down the street of like same stuff. and so many levels. This is just horrible and disgusting. especially like as in this group of three here, I’m like in the newest relationship.

Coleen (she/her) (13:25)

Yes. That’s it. We got it. We got there. Um, yes.

Julie Duffy Dillon (13:52)

And yes, there was lots of experiences that were super exciting, you know, ending a marriage that where you’ve been together for a long time, you know, the one thing that you don’t do a lot of at the end of a marriage is like, go on dates and like, go out to dinner and just enjoy a meal and conversation. And I was so excited to do that when I started dating. And, you know, that was one of the criteria that was a must is finding someone who enjoys just like hanging out. enjoying different food and talking. so hell yeah, there was a lot more eating and things like that. And the thing that I will just pull in though from like a clinical perspective, if I may, is that like, why, why can they say that relationships cause weight gain? Because there are too many variables and we naturally gain weight over time until we hit around 70. You know, we’re going to naturally gain weight.

Rachel (14:31)

Of course.

Julie Duffy Dillon (14:47)

And so, and I’m okay with like gaining weight in relationship anyway, like that’s not a point that I think is bad at all. And I just wanna put this other one in there, like our bodies are gonna fluctuate. Like that’s the whole point of it. And like what this love chub bullshit, what it’s basically setting the stage for is we need to maintain a certain appearance in order to get the love. and hold on to it. So stay guarded and vigilant. Don’t enjoy the moment. I mean, all these like no chips and dip literally and figuratively. Like it’s like, don’t be in the present and don’t enjoy the chips and queso or whatever you’re having. yeah, that’s just something that I was thinking about as I was reading through it as like clinically like how can they say this? Like, because our body weight is going to change no matter what. And There’s also this experience too of, again, from just my lived experience of ending a relationship that was very long-term and starting to date again and that fear of rejection. This just reinforces all of that too. So I’m how is this even helpful for humanity to have this as part of the vernacular? So that’s where I’m starting with it. Yeah. What do we do about it? What’s next?

Coleen (she/her) (16:10)

I feel like for, you know, we all are in some form of relationship. So I also like consider the very those fears that you mentioned, Julie, of anyone who might be listening, who isn’t in a relationship, but maybe wants to be at some point. And like, I guess, like, my unsolicited advice there would be if you are pursuing someone or someone gives you like this type of comment or I don’t know, like just maybe if you’re more in line with how we talk here, like in this particular podcast, like that person is likely not like for you. And I think just like maybe considering some of maybe your non-negotiables like of what you really want in someone versus what you’re willing to compromise on because I can guarantee if my partner were to change some of the things that we’ve talked about early on in our relationship, it would change how our relationship would move forward. And so in just how we navigate this type of language, I would say it really depends on what you know, what this person means to you, right? Like if it’s a stranger, my response is going to be like, sorry, what do I know you? It’s not going to be, you know, but if it’s someone closer to me, I might say something like, you know, I’m not looking for that advice right now or your advice right now. And I think that’s okay to say. So, yeah, Rachel, your thoughts?

Rachel (17:49)

Yeah, I mean, echoing everything you just said, it’s funny. I’ve had a few friends who have ended some less than ideal relationships recently with male partners who I think were not good enough for them. And of course you always like think your friends are the best people in the world. And I think that there’s often a narrative, especially for women who are seeking heterosexual relationships that like, there are no good men out there, you just need to settle. And I wanna remind people that like, you should know your worth and there’s no reason to settle. And like, you should be treated with the utmost respect and love and care. And so if someone doesn’t love you for the body that you’re in, then like, they don’t deserve your time. I also think that kind of what Coleen said, depending on the situation, I really do enjoy making people feel uncomfortable and like calling them out for saying fat phobic comments. And I don’t always have the bandwidth to do that. And I’m not saying that’s always the right thing to do for everyone, but I think it’s okay to make people feel uncomfortable and like have them question why they said what they said.

Julie Duffy Dillon (19:05)

Well, they are making someone else uncomfortable. like, why is it okay just for them to feel the comfort? Yeah. Yeah. Well, and before we push record, we were chatting about some, some IRL body comments that I got privy to. And it just reminded me of like, something that I teach my kids that I say over and over again. And I also have said myself.

Rachel (19:08)

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Julie Duffy Dillon (19:30)

And that is whenever someone makes a comment about a body to just say, you know, no one appreciates hearing how their body looks like no one. And so whether someone’s saying that about my body or someone else’s body and in particular, whenever my kids would make a comment about someone’s body and usually when they’re little, it’s like, you know, they’re just copying something else they’ve heard or they’re just noticing and they don’t know it’s like a negative at that point like to, you know, that the world is so fat phobic. So yeah, just teaching them, hey, know, people just don’t appreciate hearing how their body looks. You know, I may say I like your necklace, you know, or your earrings or your haircut, but I don’t know, like that’s about as far as I’m going for like body comments. And so I know I just wish that more people were taught that and there’s probably different ways to say it, but just, know, that they’re, that it’s not okay to do that. And it’s not okay to judge people. And also the fact of the matter is like, we are all going to change. And I feel so grateful to have older women mentors in my life. Like I encourage every person to have older people in their life who can help them to understand like just the next steps and to not fear it, you know? that my, I’ve talked about her so many times, mine is Deb Benfield. She’s also a dietitian that lives not very far from me. And yeah, so much of this she talks about like how a lot of this conversation is rooted in, of course, capitalism and wanting to still have an able body because then we can keep working and not be a burden and blah, blah. Like it all comes back to the same BS. And so, yeah, when I hear love chub type of comments, it’s like it’s feeding that same machine, you know? So, my gosh, I’m totally on a soapbox.

Coleen (she/her) (20:59)

No, that’s such a great segue into, you know, what these type of types of comments are really telling us, or what is the story that they’re really telling us. And, you know, obviously, we’re kind of debunking what that is, right. But I feel like it’s this constant messaging that we hear repackage repurpose, which we talked about, you know, when we dug out that other quote from the Rolodex. And it’s like,

Julie Duffy Dillon (21:19)

I can feel it.

Coleen (she/her) (21:44)

that I’m only as worthy as what I look like, which is, as we know here, total bullshit. So I feel like, you know, those types of comments are these, know, whatever, it’s like, it’s just recreating, repurposing, repackaging that narrative.

Rachel (22:00)

Yeah, absolutely. It’s the same, it’s like the priority should always be your weight and being small over anything else. It is more important to be skinny than to be happy, to be in love, to be fulfilled, to have a full life. None of that matters if you’re not skinny.

Julie Duffy Dillon (22:01)

Exactly, exactly. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. So much of it is how pretty are you for a man? You the male gaze. ⁓ You know, I have two teenagers at home and it’s something we talk a lot about. Whenever they bring up something like that, they must get so annoyed with me. But everything comes back to like white supremacy and social justice. Yeah, just systems of oppression because like this conversation is like, you’re only valuable if you’re thin, young and conventionally beautiful. And, you know, I’m here to say like, you know, there’s a lot of privilege that I have, but also there are people you could be in relationship with who don’t value that, you know, that have done their own work to unpack how they contribute to these things and value that kind of self growth. goodness.

Julie Duffy Dillon (23:10)

It sure is a lot though. So there is something we can do. There is this new kind of concept that I talk about in the book about the should eat scripts. These are the diet culture messages that we have downloaded, whether it’s from dieting or an eating disorder or from what your family taught you about how to have a body or how to eat. And so we have this part of the show called Flip the Script. And it’s like, we take a concept and decide what we wanna do with it. So how do we wanna rewrite this folks? Like how are we gonna flip the script on the love chub?

Coleen (she/her) (23:44)

Rachel, do you want to start?

Rachel (23:45)

Sure, I can start. I was reflecting on this and also how my body looked when I first started dating my husband over a decade ago. And I was in a much smaller body then, but I was also literally malnourished and obsessed with food, constantly thinking about food, like managing my life around when I could get the like right amount of the right food. I’m using air quotes if you’re not watching the video. And it took up so much space, not only in my life, but like in our relationship as my husband and I started our relationship. And yes, now a decade plus later, I am in a larger body, but I’m also so much happier and our relationship in that space around relationships with food is so much healthier and happier and just

Rachel (24:36)

that health is not about your size. Health is so much more expansive than what your size is, even your physical health, like mental health, emotional health, all of those things matter as a holistic picture when you’re thinking about what you want your life to look like with food.

Coleen (she/her) (24:56)

That’s so important. I love that insight, Rachel. I feel like, you know, now I recently, I say recently, it feels like it was yesterday, just not that recently had a baby. My, I look at my body and how it’s changed over the years, kind of to your point, Rachel, like when I first started dating my then partner, who’s now, you know, my partner husband. And I feel like I’ve looked at how my body has changed and think about the symbols that mark memories in my life, like the new stretch marks that I have on my belly from carrying my baby. And, you know, I had a pretty traumatic birth experience and now have a cesarean scar to show for it. My stomach’s shape has changed. It’s certainly floppy or now it’s, but it’s also soft and squishy. And I love that my baby feels comfortable to. lay her head there and she knows that she’s safe. And that brings me a lot of joy thinking about how my body feels safe for her. my husband also sent me something that I want to read on Instagram that made me like tear up that I feel like is perfect for this conversation. it says, I’m sorry, I can’t give you the source because there, I’m not sure there is one. Maybe it was on Reddit originally, but.

Julie Duffy Dillon (26:01)

really? Grab the tissues.

Coleen (she/her) (26:15)

The question is how did your feelings toward your wife’s body change after she had babies? And the answer is, as my wife and I got older, my feelings for her have shifted from that girl is super cute, which is pretty common to this woman has given all of herself to me for the sake of our family. Stretch marks, a cesarean scar and apesiotomy scar, various other scars, a bit of belly all remind me of the sacrifice she makes every day for my sake in our daughters. I cannot imagine anything that would make me want to hold her closer. Her body is mine, it is safe, familiar, comforting, and still captivating. I would not and will not accept any other.

Julie Duffy Dillon (26:54)

I’m not crying.

Rachel (26:55)

Well, damn. Damn!

Coleen (she/her) (26:57)

Talk about flip the script.

Julie Duffy Dillon (26:59)

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And wow, that’s so beautiful. my gosh. May we all have that love. Anyone listening and even those fuckers out in the rest of the world. I everyone deserves to feel love like that. yes. my gosh. I love that so much. Well, I don’t want to say too much because I think that is just so beautiful. But I will say if

Rachel (27:05)

Yeah, that really is.

Coleen (she/her) (27:12)

Yes.

Julie Duffy Dillon (27:24)

someone doesn’t love you anymore because your body changes, well, something that I think is important just to tell them is like, thank you for telling me who you are, you know? Because that’s not the type of love I’m looking for. Like with what you just described, Coleen, is like, chef kiss, you know, perfect. I mean, I’m sure perfect is not the right word, but like, that just seems so loving. So, ⁓ so yeah. So love, Chubb. Fuck off.

Coleen (she/her) (27:45)

Yeah.

Julie Duffy Dillon (27:52)

Or maybe maybe there’s an endearing word for it instead of fuck off like fuck off the the the like narrative that it needs to be demonized for some reason. That’s what. Yes, yes. Thank you. Yes, I love changing the mind mid sentence. So my gosh, I feel so like lovey dovey now. So.

Coleen (she/her) (28:03)

Yeah, I would honestly say love chub come at me.

Rachel (28:03)

Right, embrace the love.

Julie Duffy Dillon (28:17)

Tell your partner thank you, Coleen. Goodness gracious. Well, we are out of time. Is there anything we need to do to close this out or do we feel good to go? Can we say everything we need to say about LoveChubb?

Coleen (she/her) (28:20)

Yes, I will. just feel like this was a great conversation. hope that, you you listener take a nugget out of this and run with it. And as always, reach out to us. Let us know how you felt about the episode.

Julie Duffy Dillon (28:37)

Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, agreed. Well, thank you. Thank you, team.

Rachel (28:46)

Thank you. Bye.

Coleen (she/her) (28:47)

Thanks, bye.

Julie Duffy Dillon (28:49)

So there you have it. Dear listener, what did you think? Did you get moved by Coleen’s partner’s comments or what? my goodness. Thank you so much, Coleen and Rachel for joining me for this episode. And thank you, dear listener, dear voice finder for joining us and being a part of the conversation. Let us know what you think. If you have anything you wanna add to this conversation, we welcome your feedback. You can do that in comments. below or you can also send us an email over at info at JulieDillonRD.com Before I go, I want to let you know that you can still purchase the Find Your Food Voice book anywhere books are sold and also join the conversation over on Substack. I am talking a whole lot about topics just like covered today and diving into the nuance of a messy relationship with food, especially if you experience anything to do with insulin resistance like PCOS. You can get to it at findyourfoodvoice.substack.com. Subscribe there while you’re subscribing to the show so we can keep this conversation going. I love being in community with you, so stay connected. And we’ll be back in two weeks for another episode. Until next time, take care.