Show Notes

Listeners’ Letter

Dear Food,

I’ve had a long uphill battle with you over the last number of years. I blamed you for everything wrong with my body, and my life. I struggle each and every day as a fat person living in today’s world. It’s so much easier to blame food and the desire for food than go against the crowd and say that diets and culture are the problems, even though that’s what I really believe. I feel so alone in the fight to raise awareness of fatphobia, anti-fat bias, and the relationship between fat bodies and eating disorders. In fact, almost everyone I know has this assumption about my own personal eating disorder that they expect I’m going to say.

I’m fat, so I must binge eat.

I’m fat, so I can’t possibly exercise.

I’m fat, so I must only eat fat-heavy, high-carb/calorie/whatever-label foods.

They somehow try to relate to me by saying that they can’t control their desire to eat either.

What is more astonishing is their reaction when I tell them that I starved myself, that I over-exercised, and that I fucked up my GI system by purging and abusing [substances]. They don’t understand how much effort I have had to put into getting to where I’m at now, much healthier and more in tune with my body. They also don’t understand that I have to plan meals for the week or I won’t eat. That going to the grocery store sometimes causes panic attacks. No matter how much I try to explain, they can’t get it.

All this to say, food, is that I’m exhausted. I can’t keep being the voice. I learned this week that my very wonderful HAES-oriented dietitian is leaving this practice and moving to another state, and all the HAES dietitians in the area are booked and not accepting new clients. I really feel like I can do this on my own. I have made so much progress with my own eating, exercise, and body acceptance that I can do this. But what happens when I struggle and no professional is there to help? What happens when I’m exhausted from fighting against fatphobia and bias and have nowhere to go to release the tension I feel? What happens when I get overwhelmed by food choices and deal with intense cravings? There are so many fears. What’s next? How do I find more support when I feel alone in this so often already?

Sincerely,

Scared about losing support